here i am in front of my ‘least fav’ painting … and with my ‘most fav’ plein air artist! learn more about robin popp and her glorious work (and i highly encourage treating your eyeballs to a visual feast), click here. photo cred: © robin popp studio
diary of a courageous creator, part two ♡
this is my ‘least fav’ plein air painting from the paint duluth 5 event this past weekend. This one was the bona fide tearmaker. and revealer.
as hard as i might, i just couldn’t make it work.
yes, i was tired.
it was day 3 of en plein air painting.
day 3 of brain-fighting oils (i’m mainly an acrylic and mixed media girl).
day 3 of forgetting all i KNEW about values and transparent paints and all the things.
day 3 of painting realistically instead of in my usual abstractishness.
day 2 of painting in the rain.
day 3 of up-and-atta with too little sleep and too much fun with my friend robin (who is a master plein air painter, might i add) ♡
overwhelmed, too, from doing the quick draw competition earlier, i rather wanted to quit before ever starting this fresh canvas. the quick draw painting (where we have 60 minutes to complete), i half-liked and half-hated. until placing it in the row with the other “pros” for judging, and then just hated, lol.
the ‘quick draw’ entry, 9x12” oil and palette knife on canvas board, painted en plein air at southeastern train museum, as part of duluth 5 © debra hart studio llc
i think it then got worse, unable to find much to inspire me at the train museum. nothing personal to the museum, or trains, which i love, it was just the environment. i SO wanted to have a unique painting, and there were 20-ish other artists all vying for a decent composition while staying under a dry roof. not mad, mind you, we were all in the same boat … just frustrated. the plein air adventure had suddenly become a battle. and yes, my enneagram type 4 was also kicking into high gear, as was my photographer brain, and none of these, as it turned out, helped one whit!
finally, i landed on an angle: a simple rusted train and some goldenrod in front, from ground level perspective (great photo, trickier to paint). since i’d experienced some success with flowers the day before, i thought i couldn’t lose on that choice. i sat down on the ground to compose the canvas, mainly consisting of the goldenrod and other weeds, with the rusty train as backdrop.
ohmgoodness. that train seemed to take on a life of its own, with all the rust, and dark purply streaks, and wet metal one moment, dry the next. that train simply took over! i wrestled with my paintbrush, wrestled with the uncomfortable seating situation, wrestled with the distraction of people nearby. i know, i know, it’s supposed to be part of the experience, but my introverted self was d.o.n.e. no, actually D.O.N.E.! and i wrestled internally for a good 2 hours trying to get that thing “right” before stopping, taking a walk, and ending up slumped over on a picnic table.
i felt defeated, deflated, and like a complete fraud as an artist. i didn’t want to cry, was determined not to let this experience get to me, but those little wet buggers eked themselves out anyway.
ugh.
“goldenrod” 11x14” oil on canvas, painted en plein air at southeastern train museum, duluth, ga as part of paint duluth 5 © debra hart studio llc
in the end, i’ll admit that closing my eyes and letting those tears roll where they might, was a mighty good thing. it was like a pressure valve sprung so clarity could arrive. i just kept my head tilted toward the sky, eyes closed, and remained a good long while in the moment. it was simultaneously terrifying and calming. i realized i needed to sit in the feelings until they passed, acknowledge their presence instead of fighting them.
like author elizabeth gilbert talks about in her book “big magic” … fear, like these feelings, is part of the creative experience. sometimes the dark things come to stay, at least for a while. it’s a matter of putting them in the back seat rather than letting them sit, invited, in the passenger (or worse) driver’s seat. in my experience, ignoring them almost never works, as they find a way back, uglier and with more gusto than before.
in that place of granting space and momentary permission to those overwhelming emotions, i also began an internal monologue, asking all the why and what-next questions. then began speaking life over my brain, emotions, creativity, skills, and spirit. quietly.
as i did, the negativity subsided and the inner critic was silenced. i could hear. i could breathe in what was needed for the next steps … which in this case was to return to the canvas, stop comparing, problem-solve, accept the mess, embrace the imperfections, and see it through.
eventually, i asked for some help from the experts surrounding me, and plus figured out on my own that i’d applied too much paint and opaques too early, and had wrong angles, not enough sky and…and…and… :)
“goldenrod” 11x14” oil on canvas, framed. painted en plein air at southeastern train museum, duluth, ga as part of paint duluth 5 © debra hart studio llc
i fixed it as best as i could. while “goldenrod” is one of my least “favorite” paintings (skill-wise) from the weekend, i’ve decided that it’s my favorite in message.
symbolically sitting beneath the rusty train and weedy flowers, is perseverance and courage, peace and not-hating-it, acceptance of the uncomfortable, and authenticity in moments of inadequacy. it’s an underdog and an overcoming piece, a pure win in my book.
i decided to bravely enter it into the gallery show, reminding myself that grit and gutsiness is at the essence of courageous creating.
this 11x14” framed oil painting, entitled “goldenrod,” is currently hanging in the paint duluth gallery show at adrian collaborative on main street in duluth, ga, usa, through october 19, 2020.
use the contact form to purchase this courage-laden piece! :)